Straight line winds.

Without giving in to sarcasm, windy nights are really effective in limiting my sleep. I probably slept a solid four hours despite the constant interruptions of either my cat screaming in my face, the wind hitting my apartment’s exterior with formidable force, or the constant sirens blaring — likely due to wind-related emergencies.

Schools are all closed this morning. I chose to work from home. George went into the office, though.

As I lay awake last night listening to the wind, I thought. It’s refreshing how in the low-lit glow of the evening when one’s brain hasn’t been distracted by screens for a couple of hours, one begins to think again. I thought of the time when my mom got transferred from her company’s Springdale office to the headquarters in Wichita, Kansas. It was 2004, and I was thirteen going on fourteen. Because my sister worked a job at Sonic, she had been driving for some time, and was able to take herself and me to Wichita to see my mom pretty often – especially through the summer. I thought about the layout of my mom’s apartment. She lived in a nice complex in Maize, an extraordinarily flat, but new, suburb to the northwest of Wichita. The living room with a fireplace, the small kitchen, the small dining table, a bathroom off the dining room, and a bedroom. In the closet of the bedroom was the DSL set up. It was the first time I had heard of DSL internet, but it was acceptable for my Xanga and MySpace browsing.

There was a night when we were staying with my grandparents in Bella Vista, and my mom called and said that they were slated to get 80 mph straight lined winds. I didn’t know what that was at the time, as Arkansas was only ever threatened by tornadoes. After asking, my brain understood it to be as if a tornado had unwound itself and decided to barrel through in a flat plane instead of a cone. She was alone, working late at her office. We all asked her not to drive home. To our chagrin, she drove her 2002 burnt gold Hyundai Santa Fe the 25 minutes to her apartment. She made it safely, but in light of her experience agreed that she should not have been out in the weather. Her trip from the car to her apartment stairs required hanging on to a parking sign pole and hedges in order to remain upright.

After tracing the memories, it occurred to me that was fourteen years ago, the same amount of time I had spent on the earth at that point.

I then considered that my mom has been gone for five years. This isn’t some incredulous revelation; I think about it nearly every day. Regardless, the reality of this fact never loses its weight.

Immediately, a verse of scripture began cycling through my mind,

“the grass withers and the flower fades, but the Word of the Lord endures forever.”

I don’t have the best process for memorizing scripture, so this was very surprising to me. I find it difficult to recall passages word for word, and have an even worse time quoting book and verse. In that moment, the word was blissfully evident to me. As I contemplated my mortality, my vapordom, I was comforted in the knowledge of the Rock on which I stand. I stand firm on the rock of ages, who gives and takes. Jesus is sovereign over life and death, over pain and suffering, over governments and principalities, over the uniformity of nature, over knowledge and wisdom. It is all His. Absolutely everything has been subjected to the feet of Jesus, while our natural reality hides the fullness of this declaration in that it is being worked out among us today.

“What is man, that You remember him?
Or the son of man, that You are concerned about him?
You have made him for a little while lower than the angels;
You have crowned him with glory and honor,
And have appointed him over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things in subjection under his feet.”
For in subjecting all things to him, He left nothing that is not subject to him. But now we do not yet see all things subjected to him.
Hebrews 2:6-8

 

We do not see this reality being worked out among us today, because of God’s sovereignty. His character and nature is made evident through that which He creates, and that which He chooses to reveal to us. Holding to this revelational epistemology (i.e. all knowledge is revealed), we understand that the rationality of logic, the uniformity of nature and science, the completeness of mathematics, and intelligibility of it all sources from God himself, and His word which has been given. What He chose to give is the means by which we know anything at all. Without God, you can know nothing at all.

I have been reading through the chronicles of Samuel and Kings, and as I was reading about Elisha’s confidence in God despite the opposition army that stood against him exclusively, the sufficiency of Scripture and the sovereignty of God made itself manifest to me. This story goes a little something like this:

The king of Aram wanted to kill the king of Israel. But God spoke this conspiracy to Elisha, who was also instructed to warn the king. He obeyed, and the king was able to evade capture, death, etc… not only from one plot, but from multiple, because of this revelation and obedience to it. Welp, Aramean king dude wasn’t so pleased. He wanted to know who the mole was, and received in return that it was not a mole, so much as it was an Israelite prophet named Elisha, “who is in Israel, [and] tells the king of Israel the words that you speak in your bedroom.” So, for geographical purposes, Elisha lived in Dothan, and Ben-Hadad II (Aramean king dude) lived in Damascas. (Here is a map for those of you who are interested.) So like, no telephone game was going on. It should also be noted that Arameans worshiped Baal, not the Hebrew God. Anyway, Ben-Hadad said, “‘Go and see where he is, that I may send and take him.’ And it was told him, saying, ‘Behold, he is in Dothan.'” Dothan is 10 miles North of Samaria. Okiedoke, so “he sent horses and chariots and a great army there, and they came by night and surrounded the city.” Welp. We do not know whether or not God told Elisha about this new development. (I wonder why! :3) That morning, Elisha’s apprentice, attendant, mentee, whathaveyou, woke up really early and went out and saw the militia waiting there for Elisha, circling the city. I’m sure then, he rushed back to Elisha, woke him up in a full fledged panic and said, “‘Alas, my master! What shall we do?’ So [Elisha] answered, ‘Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.’ Then Elisha prayed and said, ‘O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.'” Okaaaaaay. Was his servant friend running around with his eyes closed? No. How does God open the eyes of an individual when their eyes are already open? What does Elisha mean when he says “those that are with us are more than those who are with them?” Spoilers.

Please remember that before I went into this story, I was relating the preconditions of intelligibility to the foundation of revelational epistemology to God, His intentions, and our dependence on those intentions. Back to it then:

“And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. When they came down to him, Elisha prayed to the Lord and said , ‘Strike this people with blindness, I pray.’ So He struck them with blindness according o the word of Elisha. The Elisha said to them, ‘This is not the way, nor is this the city; follow me and I will bring you to the man whom you seek.’ And he brought them to Samaria (read: where the king of Israel lives.) When they had come into Samaria, Elisha said, ‘O Lord, open the eyes of these men, that they may see.’ So the Lord opened their eyes and they saw; and behold, they were in the midst of Samaria. Then the king of Israel when he saw them, said to Elisha, ‘My father, shall I kill them? Shall I kill them?’ He answered, ‘You shall not kill them. Would you kill those you have taken captive with your sword and with your bow? Set bread and water before them, that they may eat and drink and go to their master.'”
2 Kings 6:8-16, paraphrased; 17-22.

So much. There is so much here. There is supernatural revelation through prophecy, there is supernatural revelation through seeing an unseen but very present realm, and there is supernatural *concealation*  through blinding. Elisha received the word, and was obedient to act on it. Elisha also knew that, through an obvious vision to him from God OR perhaps faith in the Lord for his total protection, that there was an angelic military that had surrounded him in defense against those who were physically present. Elisha had the relationship with God in which he could pray with confidence that his requests would be heard and granted. And ultimately, Elisha acted within the will of God through humility, mercy and grace on those which he so easily captured by the acting, present, and intentional hand of God.

Let me be clear: it is a gift to think, reason, and understand. From the creation of the world, God has had an omniscient will to reveal and conceal that which He desires. And His nature, which is consistent forever, is demonstrated through all of that which He has made, producing consistency in every area of understanding that exists today, insomuch that the laws of logic, morality, and the uniformity of nature testify to Him.

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.
Romans 1:20

It is impossible to justify the existence of rationality by rationality itself. If you claim that you know the laws of logic are rational by logically rationalizing them, your claim is self-refuting. The Christian stands on the word of God, claiming that the laws of logic are given to humans through the divine purpose of God that we might come to know His creation, be blessed to discover it and learn from it, and glorify Him with thanksgiving for what He has revealed, and what has has concealed, all to our benefit.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Proverbs 9:10

You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:14-17

Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.
2 Peter 1:2-3

Indeed, “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.”

Luke 14

I got broken by words on a thin page

I started a thousand years in the future, seeking solace in the New Year, understanding newness

Rustle backward to the beginning of time; an Aaron Weiss looking man speaks with a sword and someone writes it down later to be read by me on a plane translated into the one language I can understand, shattering me into thin shards, splayed flat on the ground.

A thousand years in the future, I read. It resembled continuity at the time, but would be perceived as mania later. I followed this Light through a poorly lit stone opening to reveal a bright door with a crimson banner hanging over it. Gold trim around it spelled out “truth” repeatedly in a woven cursive. The message of the banner was hidden from me, so I sought it in the illuminated hallway. I found a door reading “first resurrection”, and a tall man sitting at the foot of the door, and he passed me a footnote I couldn’t afford to discard. Opening the piece of paper, I read a reference.

Go here, it read. So I went. I went a little farther, for context’s sake.

There is a man suffering from cancer and infection. An abscess amassed on his left cheek, sealing his vision for the remainder of his life. His life would end eventually.

If someone could relieve this man’s suffering, would I let them?

The answer is no. No, because my vision has been sealed with the promise of mechanical warmth, magic meals, and hurried seconds. My vision is restored in this hallway. I see this man, and I see my hands. They are rotten with maggots and curled fingernails.

Here in this reference I have lost and gained. I clench my chest as truthtruthtruthtruth in gold tinsel fabric is sewn into my jacket pocket. The needle might hit me and I might bleed a little. Ambitious is the characteristic I have been proud to wear in that spot for all of my hurried seconds, but it is covered up now.

The suffering man has suffering friends. They live together in the trees.

I can’t stand the sight of them, so I turn around. The banner was there and unapologetically read like a siren, “blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.”

I stepped off the plane and my vision clouded, but my hands looked like regular hands.

Chase, no.

Help, all I ever do is tell my cat no!

Just kidding, I tell him I love him a lot, too.

Consider me inspired. In all reality, by myself.

Without being too haughty, I should explain. I found myself alone tonight with plans to work and sleep. (My husband is out of town visiting a friend.) After I went out for a lovely Thai dinner and extracurricular bubble tea with my excellent neighbors Tim and Rob, I got busy on the work part of my evening plans. They were successful! I did things! I figured things out! Engineering!

The sleep part has been delayed some now, as I was encouraged by a coworker and friend to consider my past life. It’s not something I do very often, beside the occasional “Gasp, how different am I? I can’t think about it, it’s too much to bear.” and then toss the thought aside to pursue more practical things. In all reality, that consideration more often than not actually looks like me falling on the floor in a quiet, dark room thanking God for His goodness and protection over my life. I don’t deserve this grace.

Okay, back to inspiration.

So as I was considering said past life, I thought about my old blogs. Livejournal to be specific. It was my destruction blog — the virtual space where Satan and self-condemnation ruled. Naturally, I ventured to the url, login, password, voila. Begin reading.

Tres amused.

For me, reminiscing the destruction blog isn’t a shock. I remember that time of my life vividly because it was so painful. What was shocking was when I started looking for my other blogs. Apparently I had a blogspot that I used considerably often, and totally forgot about. (Holler, gewgle.) I was sixteen or seventeen when I was writing on it and, to my surprise, writing quite uniquely. Beautifully, even. And because it was truly me, give or take a decade, who was doing that writing, I found myself disappointed and also joyful to consider…myself. (I’ve always felt confidently paradoxical and enigmatic, so these two emotions flow consistent to my nature.)

Disappointed because I know that the writer that was in me no longer exists. She was, but is no more. She was diminished by several years of really bad decisions.

Disappointed because I had no memory of most of the events I had written about.

Joyful because I was reminded of what a delightful young woman I was for a moment between adolescent terrors.

Joyful because I was reminded of the mix CDs I used to make, and some of the songs that comprised one I made for my mom’s coworkers. I might have actually cared.

Joyful because I wrote about my sister and my mom. A lot.

Disappointed because I didn’t know then how much I should have cherished my time with my mom.

Joyful because I was spoke of the friends in a different light than I remember them, now shrouded in foggy memories.

So, as the last seven months have gone by, I’ve, on at least three occasions, written down notes on which to blog. I haven’t. However, I find myself actually inspired to write tonight. Even if it’s not as good or poetic or ethereal or painful. I am still capable of writing. Praise God.

I am capable of doing a job that I love, being a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter (kind of bad at this one), a worshipper (kind of bad at this one too).

But I am alive. I am alive. I am alive.

 

Future/Past

“In this fortunate turn of events, You asked me to be Your friend.”

The presidential debate is on, and I really did expect to watch it. I intended to watch it half-heartedly, and pour the majority of my efforts into this post. Before it started, in the meantime, I started listening to a recent go-to music video, Future/Past by John Mark McMillan. It is funny to think that a song I’d fallen in love with, that had nothing to do with my present circumstances as they were not yet present at that time, would have so much power as to prophesy over my next couple months.

Obviously, I love music. George and I both do. And I know music will continue to create fortuitous meet-cutes with us and thousands (I mean thousands) of people in our future. I know that. I can say with a certain declaration that it’s true – only through the power of a dream that my Friend has laid on my heart. This Friend of mine can make more than my lifetime’s efforts happen in a day. A second. Because “with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day.”

I can’t seem to do anything for too long without a hunger for music. Lately, that hunger has been growing for praise-motivated lyrics and art, and when I sing I feel like I’m home. So I can be confident when God tells me that He intends to draw me closer to Him through music, and I can spread that confidence to the promises He’s spoken over my future; George’s and my future. Something is coming.

Anyway.

It seems as though some things have already come! And that is what I’m here to write about today!

Future/Past very succinctly gives homage to the Eternal One’s eternalness, sovereignty, knowledge, love, power, creativity, and propensity for intimacy. I’ve been singing it to myself at my desk at work, in my car, at home on the couch. I’ve woken up singing it. Honestly! (Does anyone else wake up singing? This happens to me a lot.)

The song has become this mantra that I’ll sing over myself – and what a glorious one. But that’s not the only mantra I’ve been hearing.

Dial back to July. A very unsuspecting me went to church as I do on a Sunday morning when George and I are home for the weekend, and was surprised when we had a guest pastor from New Zealand. He spoke from Exodus on being prepared by God in the seemingly mundane moments of life for the more glorious plans He has for us. I didn’t know what it meant for me, and still really don’t, but one thing stuck with me: expect the unexpected.

I couldn’t shake it, so I embraced it. That whole next week at work, every day, I walked into work thinking “expect the unexpected. God I’m expecting You to move in unexpected ways.” And He certainly did.

Not long after this sermon, something else started sticking with me: Virginia license plates. EVERYWHERE. I wasn’t looking for Virginia – I don’t even know about Virginia. But one thing I was looking for was license plates. I notice ’em. All of them. I’m not sure…it’s just this thing I do.

So I kept it to myself for a while and thought, “gee this is strange!” It kept happening.

Then I had to make a huge catering order for a work event. The catering event manager’s name? Virginia.

It’s not like this is an unheard of situation. Our brains are programmed to begin noticing something of importance once it makes its way to the forefront of our attention. But this just felt…different.

I mentioned it to George once, which is kind of a miracle in and of itself because I find it difficult to communicate the strange idiosyncrasies I experience when there is little substance to them. Regardless, I did. I spoke it and put it out in the universe, if you will. And shortly thereafter, I was sitting in my bed reading, and actually considered that God might be speaking to me through license plates. I mean, He does know me really well, and knows exactly how to capture my attention. I said, “okay, well I’ll look then.” And then I looked.

LinkedIn Jobs app open. Search criteria populated: “DevOps Engineer, Virginia.” I searched the entire state. I scrolled. I ignored. I saw. Two jobs: US News & World, and Amazon. Both looked like a great fit. US News was in DC. Amazon, Virginia. I applied for US News with the LinkedIn-apply. Amazon was going to take a bit more work.

After an hour, I submitted my application on August 2nd at 11:52 pm. I started to look for a third job, and immediately, God spoke in that loud, still, small voice, “Stop looking.” I actually replied out loud because it was so unmistakable. I said, “okay!” and sat there perplexed for a little bit before I closed the laptop lid.

Because I am a seedy human, I immediately forgot about what had happened and went on with my life, assuming nothing further would come of that experience. HA.

August 10th. Email in my inbox. Amazon wants to speak to me. Me? Me? From a single job application I put in? Really? Wait, no, really? Again I said, “okay!”

Peach Music Festival was that weekend, and I scheduled the phone interview for the following Monday. I sort of freaked out all weekend, and even made George listen to an Ansible/PowerShell podcast on our way to the music festival. I called every bookstore in the Scranton, PA area looking for a PowerShell book to study since I wouldn’t have internet. Alas, none of were in stock. Oh well! Commence a fun weekend.

Monday happened. Monday happened and it was great. I was blown away.

Then Friday. Friday was phone interview numero dos, and I forgot to eat. NEVER FORGET TO EAT.

Awful sums up my overall feelings of numero dos. I knew immediately that I was done, and this was just an experience for me to have! And boy was I grateful. Two rounds. That’s awesome. I called George and let him know how bad it was, and how confident I was that door had been closed. “Oh ye of little faith” or something like that.

Then Monday. One week from first interview comes an email requesting my presence in their Virginia office. Trigger tears. Trigger rejoicing. Trigger fear.

Oh yeah, hey, my sister was getting married the next week. So pause job stuff, wedding gon happen!

(And oh my word, it did and it was perfect! I am so grateful for my sister, her husband, their friends, and our families. It was a seriously beautiful day, and a glorious weekend!)

After Labor Day, Bethany and Chris departed for their #KentuckyFriedMinimoon (best hashtag ever…), George departed to drive his car back to New Jersey, and I hopped on a plane to Dulles International to visit Herndon, VA for the first time. Some hours later, I hopped on a plane to Newark. (I signed a NDA, sorry y’all.)

I had friends pray peace and confidence over me before I left Arkansas. I love my friends so much. My personal prayer warriors spoke words over me that permeated my heart and my soul and my mind all day. I had peace that surpassed all understanding. No jitters. No worries. Just calm. That is…extraordinary. That is my extraordinary, loving, prayer-answering God.

And the Lord did not make me wait long at all. I had an offer the next day.

You would think that I would be rejoicing, jumping and exclaiming the goodness of our God, and thanking Him in His incredible provision. I can be a pretty bad daughter, though, and I’m even worse at saying thank you. I tend to consider everything good as something that can be taken away. Though I’m generally ridiculously positive in most every facet of my life, I can be severely negative when receiving blessings, and this new job is no exception.

For days, I dwelled on the potential destruction of this seemingly impossible, perfect, glorious opportunity. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I became obsessed with finalizing the process because I wanted to make sure everything was completed. I was terrified almost to the point of assurance that I would be robbed of this offer.

I think a lot of this reaction comes down to worth.

Do I feel worthy of such a blessing? Not because of anything I’m capable of doing, but solely based on the fact that I am loved by a generous, friendly Father? I feel the answer is no. I don’t. Instead, I feel guilty of self. I feel my sin creeping up lying to me about the new person I’ve become in Christ. Saying I don’t deserve it, and because I don’t, I won’t truly receive it.

What a sham. How true is it though? We self-sabotage ourselves out of receiving blessings because we are BLIND to our own worth in the eyes of God! He LOVES us, guys! LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES.

LOVES.

And when we, in our ignorance and defeat, choose to walk by a blessing or pass up being a blessing to someone else, that breaks the heart of God. I do not want to be a cause of heartache for my Creator. I want to see Him, to know Him, and to give Him the glory and praise He deserves. I want Him to be proud to be seen with me. He is proud to be seen with me.

Let that be my new mantra.

I’m going to pivot away from my own fleeting moment of self-sabotage and talk about Satan though. He real.

Because I had so clearly heard the voice of the Lord on August 2nd, and been so acutely aware of the license plates, I was expecting to continuously hear again and again about every prayer I prayed. Instead of expected the unexpected, I expected what I could only imagine. And because of that expectation, I was willing to listen to any voice I heard. There is something very dangerous about not being able to discern the voice of God. It is a cause for deep scriptural meditation, and fully surrendered prayer.

Every day was something new. I took a walk and heard a new song and the song spoke my exact situation to me. Stopped in my tracks. I kept walking.

I sat down in a graveyard and prayed for a while. The words “I can’t give this up, I need you to give it up for me” came out of my mouth. I was stunned. I sat there in silence for a while, perturbed and entirely confused. Everything about it felt wrong. I was sitting there, with a mind that was flooded and spilling over with empty thoughts and a distressed heart. I stood up, realizing that I had no idea what was going on. I had no clarity. I had no vision. I was just…there. And I walked home.

Monday afternoon, a beautiful friend came to my house. She asked me a question, “what are you afraid of?” So I answered. When I answered and couldn’t think of any other fears that were going through my mind, I realized how small those fears were. They were small! Small in the wake of my giant King. Small in the understanding that He is my future and my past. Small in the muddiness of the waters that I couldn’t see through, but that He created. A small crack, but still bigger than those fears, was made in the shell surrounding my heart that afternoon.

The week prior, George and I started a 40 day prayer challenge called Draw The Circle. I bought it while I was standing in line at Hobby Lobby in Rogers, AR getting supplies for my sister’s wedding. Though it’s not as meaty as the books I normally enjoy, it’s a great challenge – we need a prayer challenge.

Every morning as soon as we wake up (and manage to take a couple sips of coffee that George so graciously makes for us), we open the books and read – and then pray. Within the first few days I saw our prayers taking real shape, and I know I don’t want to ever let go. Circling my dreams. Circling my fears. My friends and family. With my husband. What a privilege!

Breakthrough happened on Day 7. Right as we woke up I finally talked to George about what I was feeling – that Great Confusion. It felt like a million bricks were lifted off my chest. It was that “lay your burden down at the foot of the cross” moment, where you’re just finally surrendering it all and leaving nothing hidden. When we bring our darkness to light, we bring glory to God. And in return, we see everything in His beauty. Revealing our shame and pain allows our minds and hearts to abandon self-preservation and receive a holy clarity. This understanding was made very clear: Satan is cunning and smart, and he is good at manipulating us in our weaknesses.

Where I found myself terrified in the face of potential disobedience, he tried to use that against me to attempt to disarm God’s plan for our future. He knew that I didn’t want to be disobedient, so he tried so hard to convince me that I wasn’t supposed to have this job. Those words “I need you to give this up for me” shook me so hard because they were wrong. I couldn’t stomach it, not because of my own willfulness, but because it was not consistent with the holy, simple, beautiful path God had already promised me.

My Heavenly Father is not a God of confusion! He is not! Praise Him for that! He knows how to communicate with me. His Holy Spirit burns in me and affirms His will in my everyday. His scriptures speak His love and life into my soul. So as we continue to pray, my vision is clearing. I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God!

I am also the wife of an amazing man. He has displayed tremendous joy and confidence when I needed to lean on it. From the beginning, he’s been my cheerleader. He’s been so willing to partner with me in every moment, including this move. Even though it means he’ll have to look for work again and leave behind his beloved friends, he has been so strong through it all. Thank God for him.

I’ve accepted the job and weepily said some momentary goodbyes to the incredible friends I’ve made in my three and a half years in New Jersey. I put in my two weeks notice, but not without two days worth of stress-induced stomach pain and heartburn. I’m coming to terms with the reality that this chapter of my life, our life, is closing, but a new one – still full of everything we gained here, but with the addition of more – is awaiting just a few moments and miles away.

 

In No Time At All

I made it back here within a year! Doing better than my last blog. It is really a shame that I haven’t written in such a long time, but honestly, I just couldn’t.

It’s not a good thing that I’m so busy that I come home at night and can barely put together a Trader Joe’s enabled meal before collapsing on the couch for a marathon of The Office. Every. Night.

But I’ll get to that another time.

Tonight, my heart is heavy.

I felt the urge to write about 10 minutes ago while texting my friend Jenn. About 10 minutes ago, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to write about. But that’s all changed now.

This morning I was joyful. I was filled with thanksgiving and prayed all the way to work. I was thinking about my incredible friends. My friend Samantha visited George and me for the last week and it was extraordinary. She is a precious person, and we had a blast. My friends in Philadelphia are beyond wonderful. My friends from church are life-breathing and joy-giving. My friends from work and from school are my treasures. My friends from home are forever. And I knew all of this at once, while listening to my Pretty Lights EP, driving down Fairmount Avenue in Chatham, New Jersey.

Tonight is different. I, as I do most every night, directed myself to Humans of New York’s Facebook page and read Brandon’s posts from today. They’re consistently soul-crushing, but the last one from today did me in. It wasn’t even an interview post. It was an advertisement. A Kickerstarter campaign for UNHCR. There was a short video that I watched. I watched and I fell apart.

This video literally made me sob. Huh. It’s just photos. Just statistics. My reaction can be explained, surely. I think there are several reasons…but none more resounding than that of people desperately needing love. Intense, relentless love. The love of a stranger. The unconditional love of a parent or a sibling. The love of a savior.

I’m over here freaking out about my tiny apartment. I love to look at houses on Zillow. It’s become one of my favorite pass-times. Idk, I just like homes, okay? Last night George leaned over to me, jokingly, and said “You’re not supposed to covet.”

I had a pretty harsh reaction.

Is that what I was doing? Really? No.

No.

Right?

Or maybe I am. Adoring structures filled with well designed and placed furniture and decor is definitely something many people do, and I absolutely am not saying each of us are coveting when we enjoy these things. What I’m saying is that I’ve been a tad bit obsessed. I’ve had friends call me out on it. I see it.

My simple obsession has become sin. It has become extremely distracting to the more important things in my life, such as my husband. My prayers. My reading of the Word. My picking up the phone and calling a friend or family member.

What I’m getting at is that my desire to better myself materially isn’t going to help anyone but myself. I’m so distracted with ‘getting the good’ that I am so far removed from understanding the desperate need of people around me. That IS NOT what I want. I want to constantly feel the Holy Spirit kindling the fire inside me; The Spirit who sharpens my soul, molds my life, and fills me with righteousness that I otherwise lack entirely.

Literally. Lack entirely. ENTIRELY. Otherwise I’m swimming in a pond of self. I’m immersed in mucky, mud walled water trying to search for something to help me see my knees below me.

I think being able to save for a down payment on a nice house or modifying my car (can’t even start down this rabbit hole in this post…) is going to unlock some personal achievement or provide happiness. More credibility. More desirability. Such that others look at my life and see “cool”. How pathetic could I be?

I went from singing praises in the morning to desiring more than what God has allocated for me now. What I forget in the span of 12 hours is that I’m nothing. My life is a vapor in the air. It is here and it is gone.

I will be here. And then I will not be here. You will be here. And then you will not be here. The refugees will be here, and then they will not be here any longer.

What does this mean to you? What does this mean for your life? Where do we go? What will our lives have been?

I know what I want my life to look like: light. Arresting light. Captivating glory.

“In Him was life, and life was the Light of men.” – John 1.4

“The people who were sitting in darkness saw a great Light, and those who were sitting in the land and shadow of death, upon them a Light dawned.” – Matthew 4.16

I want my life to look like Jesus.

“The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” – 1 John 4.8

“Their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2.2-3

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” – Luke 6.27

I want to practice this pure and undefiled religion.

“Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow.” – Isaiah 1.17

“Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world” – James 1.27

I want to be peculiar. Everyone wants this. Surely no one says, “No, I’d just like to go completely unnoticed for the rest of my life. I would like to do no thing worthy of mention, no notable deed.”

Confidently, Jesus Christ will create a peculiarity in my life to the world if I let Him. It is His desire to fill me with the utmost holiness, joy and consuming love. If I truly am just a vapor in the wind, then let me fully surrender myself to the Living God.

I am so glad there are organizations like HONY and UNHCR that are intentionally delivering necessities and stability to people who, just like me, are hand-crafted and desperately loved by God, our Father. But who will tell them the good news? Who will share the Gospel to their exhausted and unimaginably abused spirits? Though I am in a safe and well manicured town of cute homes facing no oppressive circumstances, I have to actively fight to pray for the desperate. I have to actively fight to put down my phone and disconnect my brain from Instagram, Facebook and Zillow. I have to pray vigorously. I have to give thanks and remain humble.

I am not being called today to go and work for an aid organization to personally contribute to the refugee crisis today, but I am praying for those who are being called. For those who are there today, looking terrified and weary people in the eyes. I hope they are renewed daily, and pour nothing but Living Water into those whom they are serving.

And for myself, and for you: I pray for the emptying of murky, muddy self in order to be filled by the God of Wonders. May we never stop having hearts that bleed for our brothers and sisters in the world. May we always remember to pray constantly and have the wisdom to listen to the Spirit that dwells within us.

I used to love the Christmas season. Everything about it was magical and everything smelled divine. The lights on lining roofs and even the lights on the trees surrounding the Walmart parking lot made me tingle with seasonal spirit.

Now it just reminds me, again, that she’s gone. Everything that used to bring me such nostalgic joy has shriveled and disappeared. It’s a distant memory that breaks my heart. I guess this is grieving.

I’m more and more like her, which means so much of what I do and who I am becomes a constant reminder that she’s not here.

 

 

I finished college yesterday. She would have been there. It’s strange….I don’t feel like celebrating.

Shepard Tone and other musical paradoxes

I am doing something peculiar for my blog in the spirit of finishing my next to last semester. Woo! It’s probably just that I am finally taking classes that I enjoy, so I get heavily invested in my projects.

Even though it may not be something you would have gone out and researched yourself, I want to share my final project for my undergrad math topics course, Mathematics and Music, with y’all because the subject is particularly fascinating and worthy of sharing.

Paradoxes make my heart so happy because everything that my faith sits on is a complete paradox. Seeing them occur in perceptual space-time is so incredible I can’t even. So here we go.

First things first, you need to listen to a Shepard Tone!

Now onto the nittygritty!

Musical Paradox – Auditory Illusions
Olivia Larson
MATH 495 – Project II
Nita – Spring 2014

Any musical composition is comprised of a pattern of notes that the composer sees fit to apply. Generally, one trusts a composer to have a competent understanding of tone agreement where the composition, when performed, is pleasing to listen to, full of consonant sounds, and sometimes paired with tastefully constructed dissonant sounds. Regardless of the structure of the composition, it should normally follow the paradigm that it consists of a variety of tones. When one listens to these variations, it is obvious to perceive the difference in pitches, such that the listener can identify higher and lower notes from each other. However, this is a common misconception.

Sensory perception is surprisingly deceptive in several ways. The most well known example of sensory misperception is the visual paradox of MC Escher’s “Ascending and Descending” lithograph _(1.1.1) that depicts the infinitely descending Penrose Stairs _(1.1.2). Though our minds confirm that the infinite staircase is fallible, our eyes contradict this notion entirely. Somehow, there is a perceptual paradox that creates something we know cannot exist in three-dimensional space to indeed exist in two dimensions.

        Fig. 1.1.1 – “Ascending and Descending”

 

        Fig 1.1.2 – Impossible staircase

This two-dimension visual paradox transfers cleanly to the realm of aural space. Musical notes are often referred to as ascending and descending when placed in a specific order on the scale. One can hear ascending tones when a musician plays an “ascending” scale on their instrument. Analogous to walking up stairs, each tone is played by stepping up its staff. However, in a 12-tone scale, the ascension of notes linearly meet the exact note at which they began playing, but at a different pitch. This is known as the pitch class circle_(1.2.1). Similar to the impossible staircase, the pitch class circle presents a visual paradox of what one would believe is aurally

Fig. 1.2.1 – Pitch class circle

impossible, based on the assumption that the notes are ascending. In order to validate the basis of musical ascension, both the linear and circular dimensions must be accounted for to create an adequate image of the pitch class circle_(1.2.2)[6]. Understanding this concept, Roger Shepard reasoned that by dissecting

Fig. 1.2.2 – Pitch class helix

a complex frequency, one could create a tone comprised of ten partial harmonics that are spaced at one octave intervals_[2]. The result is a Shepard tone, the sum of sinusoids whose frequencies are integer multiples of the original frequency. Another contributor to musical paradox, Diana Deutsch, considers Shepard to have created “banks of tones whose note names are clearly defined, but whose perceived heights are ambiguous.” The idea behind this height ambiguity allows the helix in 1.2.2 to collapse into the circle of 1.2.1, thus creating scales that ascend in pitch infinitely.

The mathematical construction of a Shepard tone begins first with understanding the source for the complex frequency from which it is created._[4]

The Shepard tone, shaped by a single frequency, can be represented by its frequency decomposed into harmonics that are even integer multiples of the frequency, like so:

Given each sinusoid’s amplitude is 1:

However, because the amplitude differs on each sinusoid, further analysis of consecutive Shepard tones that have diverse amplitudes, shaped using a Gaussian envelope, looks mathematically equivalent to the equation below, where  is the center of the Gaussian, j is the Shepard tone that sits j semitones above the complex frequency, and i is the harmonic of the jth tone:

The partials of a Shepard tone come together and are represented on a graph in the shape of a bell curve_(1.3.1) as a result of modulated amplitude from filtering the partials so the middle partials are the loudest, and the first and last partials are made to quietly taper off. For a combination of Shepard tones, the filter is applied

Fig. 1.3.1

to each tone, so that with every octave progression, the sound shifts downward by one partial_[1], such that the center of the Gaussian modifies the amplitudes of the harmonics in a such a way that makes the perceived sound infinitely ascend.

The Shepard tone opened many doors for understanding musical paradoxes. Several other auditory illusions were defined, including the Tritone Paradox_[3], first discovered by Diana Deutsch in 1986. By playing two sequential Shepard tones distinct by a half-octave or tritone is aurally perceived as descending or ascending by different people.
A technique for implementing these musical paradoxes called “flanging_[5]” is produced by mixing two identical tones together, delaying one of the signals by a small and slowly changing period of time. The audio effect this technique produces gives off the sound of what could be analogous to the concept of beats, caused by interference of two waves at the same point in space.
Overall, the realm of musical paradox is a fascinating and complex space in itself. Though one can explain the construction of the musical structure mathematically, it remains difficult to grasp the illogical sensory perception regardless of the explanation that accompanies it. Despite the prevalent confusion, many incredible contributions have been made to identifying and creating auditory illusions in order to bridge the gap between music, math and psychology.

Bibliography

[1]: Benson, Dave. “Music: A Mathematical Offering” http://www.maths.abdn.ac.uk/∼bensondj/html/maths-music.html‎. 14th December 2008.

[2]: “Shepard Tone” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shepard_tone. Wikipedia Commons. 20th April 2014.

[3]: “Tritone Paradox” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tritone_paradox. Wikipedia Commons. 28th April 2014.

[4]: “Shepherd’s Tones” http://hebb.mit.edu/courses/9.29/2003/athena/auditory/shepard.html. 2003.

[5]: “Flanging” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flanging#Artificial_flanging. Wikipedia Commons. 17th April 2014.

[6]: Deutsch, Diana. “Pitch Circularity” http://dianadeutsch.ucsd.edu/psychology/pages.php?i=213. 2013.

[7] Figure: Pitch Class Circle. http://www.bioscience.org/2007/v12/af/2402/fig7.jpg

[8] Figure: Partial Sine Wave. http://music.columbia.edu/cmc/musicandcomputers/images/chapter4/shep.tone.gif

 

Sheep Go ‘BAAAA’

I am using my hilariously selective memory retrieval powers to remember that maybe I started incorporating current musical partiality in my blog posts. Thus far in 2014 I have seen seven concerts and acquired three newly released albums by great artists. So in the spirit of newness, let me share these new things with you:

Also, HI BLOG. WHAT UP.

It’s raining again. It’s been raining for over a week and my Jetta can’t come out of the garage to see the light of day. Why? Because it leaks.

SURPRISE! WET CAR!

Anyone want to buy a leaky car? It only leaks when it rains. Otherwise it’s pretty cool.

So what about real stuff? This year has flown by. I can’t really comprehend everything that has happened; also it’s April. HOW IS IT APRIL?

In the real stuff realm, my memory is starting to surface like it hasn’t before. That’s encouraging.

Listen kids, no matter what you do, if you work hard and are willing to be patient, your brain functionality will reestablish itself. Also, I feel foolish for trying to take so many classes this semester. Part time jobby + 17 hour student = stresswazoo. Whoops. No choice, though, and certainly no excuses. Gotta do it. Gotta get it done.

Last night I held my first Hillsong Connect Group with a new friend, Christy. I’m so excited for what Christ is going to do on our campus. Ladies, holler! One of our girls, Min, made us the most delicious kim chi pancakes. Obviously the perfect compliment to the Word of God. It was especially exciting to hold my very first CG after being so encouraged by a sermon at church just the day before.

Carl preached the first sermon out of three in the “Whether You Like It or Not” series in Montclair. If there is one thing that I’ve been feeling like this year, it’s been exactly like a lost little sheep; defenseless, with only a small, useless cry to fend off conflict.

How fitting then, that Carl’s series is based on Psalm 23. We all know it, or at least a part of it. Thanks, Coolio. (In all transparency, Pastor Carl did actually rap a significant portion of “Gangsta’s Paradise”.) In case you don’t have a Bible handy to flip to, let me just share Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Beautiful, right? One thing that always strikes me whenever I read this passage is the stark contrast from the first section and the second. David paints this peaceful picture of a lovely field in which we are frolicking like blissful little sheep, with no cares, worries or concerns, because we have a Shepherd who selflessly cares for us.

BUT AHAH. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,“. *tape rewind* WHAT?! We were just frolicking in green pastures! How did we get to Death Valley? David certainly did this to depict the immeasurable joy and peace that God provides no matter what situation you’re going through; even if you walking through a valley with death engulfing you in every direction. He doesn’t say “Except for when”, he says “even though.“

At this point in David’s life he had lost everything. He had already murdered a man, been an adulterer, and to top it all off, his son was trying to kill David. Nothing more peaceful than a domestic dispute so intense that a son plots to kill his father, yes?

So no, at this point in David’s life he quite seriously was walking through a valley of the shadow of death. But David had one thing going for him: he knew beyond all earthly argument that God loved him. He knew where he could put his trust and his faith, regardless of what sins he committed or how unrighteous he was. David fully understood grace. Because of his wisdom, his conscious didn’t haunt him. As Christians, we are all capable of comprehending and living this.

David didn’t need Paul’s New Testament writings on grace to understand God’s relentless love for us. David was exceptionally wise, and by grasping God’s love and never letting go, he found insane favor. He found peace in a time of terror. He made every effort to praise God with his psalms.

David was a pretty messed up guy, and if he could find such favor in a time of death, what valleys am I walking through where I could be looking toward my Shepherd to find relief?

A friend of mine presented an interesting view from Psalm 23:2-4. David wrote “He makes me lie down in green pastures…Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil…” She told me that God will never make you lie down in the valley. He will do everything to keep you walking, giving you the Holy Spirit to be filled and made powerful to face your evil and know that Jesus is the victor, and He had and will continue to conquer all of your fears. This was really encouraging to me, because I’ve been through (and am going through) some nasty valleys, and I’ve also been forced to lie down in those luscious, rolling green pastures. I know that He will never make me lie down in a place He hasn’t designated for me, and He never designates evil for me. Or you. Or any of his children. But when we are face to face with evil, He “prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.“

I’m throwing in my own little Selah here.

This snippet subtly possesses incredible power and understanding. When David dined, I have to imagine, as a king, it was likely extravagant and a jovial occasion. Perhaps he dined alone, where he enjoyed the company of his Father, or perhaps with many. Regardless, the pleasures had from dining were probably many. I know they are for me. I love to eat.

David was so delightfully overwhelmed by the unrelenting protection and glory of God that he knew that when he faced the Opponent and his henchmen, he could confidently relax and enjoy his surroundings, almost like saying “eh, pish posh”, my general reaction to everything not worthy of dramatic reply.

How do I get there? How do I become confident in Christ enough to remember to immediately evaluate my valley, and remember that He is holding my hand?

I am the worst at this, and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. I have anxiety, depression, and often get terrified because I can’t make sense of my future. Tunnel Vision Livy is not fun to be around. My family knows this more than anyone. In the last seven years I have been through a tremendous journey of incredible peaks and the lowest valleys I never knew existed. I would be foolish to say that I’ll never experience something so difficult and painful again, even with Christ by my side.

What David’s attitude in the face of evil boils down to is this: joy.

Joy is something that can be found in presence of Holy Spirit alone. He is immaculate, hilarious, invigorating, and encouraging. He is not always comfortable. So let’s cook up a method for finding this solace.

1. Know that Jesus is the way. “I am the door of the sheep…if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” – John 10:7-10
2. Forgive yourself for everything, just as Christ has forgiven you. “He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions.” – Colossians 2:13
3. “Love your neighbor as yourself” – Matthew 22:39
4. “Cease striving know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10
5. “In everything, give thanks.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
6. Obey God. “Trust in the Lord and do good…cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you what your heart desires.” – Psalm 37:3-4
7. Know you’re blessed in all circumstances. “Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven.” – Luke 6:22-23

David was blessed as a writer and a musician; there are many other mediums for worship. With whatever talent God has given you, make every effort to praise Him, regardless of your current circumstances. Soak in His Word. Live in the light and under the staff of Jesus, and in the joy of the Holy Spirit.

I’m on the up and up. Things are looking brighter. And it stopped raining.

Respectfully Roaring.

Currently listening: Church music – Dance(!) – David Crowder Band

I can’t seem to think. I prefer to write at night (like at 2 am or so) because everything is quiet, and I feel like I’m interrupting no one, and no one can interrupt me. My train of thought effortlessly travels. And it’s 9:15 am. So, though I had every intention of writing last night, 12:14 am came around and I was asleep before I could help myself.

I’m tired. It’s just a thing I’m going to have to get used to, I suppose. My schedule is different and I’m glad for it. A brief recent update:

• HP offered me a part time position in New Jersey
• I enrolled full time at Montclair State University
• My bestie Jessica and her amazing family came and stayed with me for a week
• I celebrated my 23rd birthday by eating the most delicious meal of my life, hiking Bear Mountain, drinking beers, and watching New Girl. (Perfect.)
• N’sync reunion totally happened
• First concert of the year! (What?) STS9/Umphrey’s McGee at The Mann in Philadelphia
• Enjoyed biking through Philly and mean mugged with some amazing friends
• Spent Labor Day in the city with Bethany and Kelly. We watched an adorable movie and ate coffee pudding and quiche
• Started school! I really love Montclair
• I traveled to Arkansas to see my friends and family and pack up my clothes in preparation for coldness
• (Winter is coming.)
• Started part time! Queue hectic schedule
• Met a nice Maltan man on the waterfront in Jersey City
• Had some fluffy pasta and gazed at the 9/11 Light memorial from Hoboken
• Had a totally Mean Girls moment in my Statistics class with two very lovely humans with whom I am excited to be friends

Because I was still full time during the week school started, I managed to log 40 hours in four days, attend class until 10 pm for two nights, leave for Arkansas at 6 am on Friday morning, come back to NJ on Monday morning at 1 am, and be back at work at 9, and class until 8. But then Tuesday, in all of its benevolent glory, came. Let me just digress in saying how incredible it was to have a day off from work. I mean, class, but still. I woke up without an alarm clock, drank as much coffee as I pleased for as long as I pleased, and just like…did whatever. I’m going to enjoy this new schedule.

Though, school does mean homework and a reassertion of time management. Blergh.

In the midst of work and school and attempting to have a social life, my heart is being pulled in two very different directions. I’m being challenged and convicted by the Spirit of God every day, and because of that conviction I am reminded to regard wisdom much higher than emotion.

I sometimes have to remind myself that I prayed for this. I asked for both conviction and wisdom, and it is such a gift. But it’s not an easy gift. With that said, would I rather be ignorant and destined for mediocrity, or imparted with divine knowledge–destined for fullness of life?

Still I heave, “What a challenge.” And I’m realizing that without the Holy Spirit living inside me, I couldn’t rise to the occasion. It is just too hard. Even with the Spirit, my lack of propensity for overcoming temptation leaves me feeling defeated. In His glory, though, Jesus has reminded me to not be scared, but to look to His face and see love.

Living a life with Jesus means being opened to a new dimension of spiritual awareness that is soulfully riveting, but physically intangible. When my pride is demolished, shame floods my conscience and I realize my weakness. It is at this time that I am ready to turn to Jesus. I always want to experience His goodness and forgiveness in my pain and affliction.

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – CS Lewis

It is unimaginably perfect to see His face, and feel His addicting love! It is addicting. I need it, because it is the only thing that satisfies. In His presence, all my shame is eradicated. God makes Himself available to us in every breath, yet sometimes we feel so distant from Him. How then, if God’s love is eternally sensational, do we lose the desire to be within His presence?

Several years ago, when I was in a mental sandpit, my brain never seemed to stop moving.

It was exhausting to exist.

And though my mental sinkholes occur every now and again, they don’t persist for overwhelmingly long periods of time. This torment has been broken only through the power of Christ Jesus. (Praise Him for it!) Because I allowed Him to have sovereign control over my heart, He has been doing an impossible work to relieve the pain caused by suffering that every human will go through.

He is resolve, comfort and so much more. He desperately wishes for us to look to Him in all of our times, and as His children, He does not want to see us hurting. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7-7

When we ask God to heal our wounds, He does it. When we ask God for joy, He gives it. Enter pride. We cannot always be groaning for God’s presence in our pain. Things do get better. Life moves forward, and day by day the sting of pain hurts less and less. It is when we least expect it, when we are delighting in natural pleasures, given to us by God, that we step out of His will because of temptation.

Chambers puts it this way, “It is God who engineers our circumstances, and whatever they may be we must see that we face them while continually abiding with Him in His temptations.”

Jesus, in His baptism, committed Himself to His duty on earth of taking away the sins of the world once and for all. Immediately after this commitment, He was taken into the wilderness to be tempted by Satan (Matthew 4). Why would Satan be allowed to tempt Christ? Because He was fully man, and until He had experienced exactly what it was like to be man, to feel the desires of a personal will that is apart from God, He would not be able to fulfill His role as our sinless Champion. “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” – Hebrews 4:15

His temptations are the supreme temptations of the world, which He has OVERCOME. For us. For good. Always.

Because of this we can walk confidently every day, knowing that no matter what circumstances we come to face, we can always rely on His promise to get us through it. Let me not apologize for how nerdy I am about to be: Sorry I’m not sorry. (I might have actually written out pseudocode to make sure this was a logical statement…)

If Christ is fully man, He must know what it means to experience the spectrum of emotions and situations subject to man, including temptation. If Christ is fully God, He must be wholly perfect and righteous, absent of sin. If we can believe that what the Bible says is true, then freely making the decision to allow Jesus kingship over your life (Romans 10:9) permits His righteousness to live inside of us.

“He who believes in Me, ‘as the Scripture said, “From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.“‘ But this He spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive…” – John 7:38-39

“I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.” – John 14:15-17

If He overcame sin, and His Spirit comes to live inside of us, making us righteous, then we overcome sin. Permanently. The sin of our flesh is completely obliterated when paired with the everlasting, awesome power of Jesus’ righteousness.

So how are we to deal with being both made righteous in Christ, and being continually tempted sinners? (Or as I like to call it “being in the Human Suit.”) Well, to put it simply: not a single one of us is perfect on our own accord. We will sin. We will fall short. Because Jesus experienced what it was like to be pursued by Satan through temptation, He fully comprehends our struggles, and our inability to be pure without Him. He empathizes with His creation. This entirely reinforces the incredible love-gift of eternal salvation by means of justification through faith.

“For there is no distinction; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus.” – Romans 3:21-24

God’s desire is to call His creation to an exceedingly abundant life in His perfection, totally void from anything that is apart from His will. THIS is where we would (and depending on your personal relationship with Christ, will) find complete fulfillment. If you doubt this, look at John 15:7. “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” WHATEVER WE WISH. He’s respectfully roaring to be our openhanded source of delight. All He’s waiting on is for us to say yes.

Think about the most pure and joyful moment of your life. If you can’t pinpoint one moment, think of a series of experiences that led you to feel glad to be alive. (Think. Feel.) I’m rejoicing for you in your experience and happiness! But this emotion. This feeling of overwhelming contentment doesn’t even begin to reach the fountainhead of what He has to offer us. His is always greater. So what are we waiting for? Are we searching for satisfaction and pleasure as a result of pain, boredom, or curiosity? The enemy is advantageous in his ability to tempt our easily deceived hearts. We must guard our hearts and look to God to fulfill our needs. We must remember His superfluous bounty and ask Him for whatever we desire!

“And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me, and how I may reply when I am reproved. The the Lord answered me and said, ‘…[the vision] hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay. Behold, as for the proud one, His soul is not right within him; But the righteous will live by his faith. Furthermore, wine betrays the haughty man, so that he does not stay home…and he is like death, never satisfied.'” – Habakkuk 2:1-5

We cannot know what is in store for us, and will always want to be satisfied. Let us remember who is our Satisfaction. Our Living Water. It is easy to look to God in our pain and struggles, but can we look to Him in our pleasures?

Me Without You.

I’ve been listening to an awful lot of mewithoutYou recently. In fact, I’ve been vigorously immersed in all of my favorite bands from when I was fifteen. To my relief, I liked pretty decent music back then. What is more inspiring about this, though, is the memory of having my heart pulled and kneaded by the music and lyrics, very similarly to the feeling I get listening to the band now. Can’t say it’s not stronger now, however.

I’ve struggled for a long time now about my state of salvation when I was an adolescent. When God revealed Himself to me on my 21st birthday, I was struck so hard by the immense Love and gracious fury He casts onto us that it made every emotion I had felt before that day seem muted and dull. It is such an indescribable moment to realize, and to know that it is real is exhausting and exhilarating all at once. So much more than a feeling (yes, I know Boston), and yet exactly like a feeling should be.

For instance, at this very moment it is 10:08 pm on a Wednesday evening in Chatham, NJ. It is absolutely gorgeous outside. I’m sitting on my back deck listening to the insects in the trees, distant planes soaring through the skies, and perhaps a little rush of traffic on I-78. But what I love most about tonight is the sound of the wind rustling the leaves. Not to get too philosophical, but what is wind, exactly?

We can hear it. We can feel it. We cannot see it.

For me, feeling the rush of wind on my skin is a feeling I can’t explain. It’s as if I have an intimate and spiritual connection with this earth that no one can give me and no one can take away. Doesn’t that description depict our opportunity to tabernacle with the Holy God of the Universe? Internally audible. Unexplainably physical. Awesomely invisible. Uniquely intimate. Wholly irrevocable.

I don’t remember having a connection this strong to anything ever before I personally met Jesus Christ. Because of this, I wonder about my desires and passions to know Him before I was twenty one.

Let me assure you I wasn’t “seeking” Christ up until I was twenty one, though. Perhaps up until I was sixteen. (Disclaimer: I’m going to kind of open up here and see where this goes, so brace yourself because I’m feeling honest). I don’t rightfully remember much from my teenage years. A lot of nutritional depravation and drug use left my memory pretty well dry. What I can remember is that when I was sixteen years old, I was horridly sick and self-absorbed to the point of near-death detriment. In this time, I was so sure that I was going to die that I began to “prepare” for it. (Honest.) I didn’t do drugs at all (…yet), and though I was sober, I was not sane. I loved my family, and choir. And God, I guess? I say that with concern for question because if I truly loved God, would I have truly hated myself at the same time? I don’t think so. Let me tell you why.

Matthew 22:36-39 – “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? And He said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Notice the little ditty between the two commandments Jesus presented to the Pharisee lawyer and his Pharisee friends, “This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it,“. Both are centered around Love because there is no other source for love except for the God who created us and chose to allow us to personally ascertain Him through the blood of Jesus Christ. I’m thinking of 1 John 3:1. “See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are.” A great Love, indeed! “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us.” (1 John 3:16). If we are to be children of God, and if God is love (1 John 4:8), we are made from Love. If we are not able to love ourselves, we cannot love our neighbors as ourselves.

I’m reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis right now. Last night on my train ride home from Manhattan, I read this passage:

“[God] wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. [God] wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor’s talents–or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall! He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognize all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore them to a new kind of self-love–a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbors as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbors.”

One of the most frank and understandable pieces of Christ-logic I’ve read. (Well done, Lewis!) So that is what God is all about with us. He has a mission, and His mission for us is love. Plain and simple. Thus, if I am incapable of loving myself (and in fact loathe myself), I am incapable of loving God.

Basically, I let all of my desires and passions for pure, holy living be turned onto myself, and because of that, I fell out of love with God. I remember talking to the chaplain at the hospital, and having my Bible with me…but I don’t remember ever reading it. And I can’t remember ever being hungry for the Word. And I certainly can’t remember being stirred by the Spirit.  These are all things that I have now that are new to me: desire for the Living Word, desperate cries for a holy passion, and unsurpassable joy in the midst of frightful times.

What I’m not saying is that anyone who battles a mental disorder is not able to be a true believer of Christ. These sicknesses are real, and they are evil and hurtful and terrifying. But if we engage with our God and His Word we see encouragement about suffering, pain and how we are to persevere in Christ Jesus because He gives us the ability to do exactly that. (1 Corinthians 9:24). We must have faith. Hebrews 12:1 says. “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross.”

What I am saying is that if we’re genuinely honest in our own self-examination, we should be able to identify our anti-love for ourselves, and cry out for Jesus to fill us with His Spirit, and  to remove the spirits of the world–those of hatred and depression. If we are begging Him for a solution, He will certainly give it to us, because He loves us. This solution requires complete sacrifice of our pride, so He can fill us with love. It’s hard. It took me a really long time. But I finally got Him. In all reality, He calls on us…and we have the responsibility (read: free will) to respond. If we do not respond, we do not win Love. Without His prize, I am nothing but dead.

Recommended albums that have a resounding impact on my life:

1. mewithoutYou – Brother, Sister
2. mewithoutYou – Catch For Us The Foxes
3. Brand New – The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
4. Thrice – Vheissu